Finding More of Myself in Life

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One thing that I have decided on dedicating my life to is my wanting to commit myself to my personal development for myself and for my family. One of my bigger goals out of that desire is to be a good partner to my SO. Another is to try to be kinder to myself. That’s often one of my hardest goals to accomplish. I often have flashbacks to moments where I’ve screwed up or something bad like having been stalked before, and my paranoia often rears its ugly head before I’m able to get myself under control. My coping skills have been improving in the past year despite my lapse in therapy which I know I need to start again.

My biggest critic is myself, and often, I feel struck deeply by things like politics because I’m individualistic in the sense that I sit down and think and attempt to feel the effect of policies as a human being rather than being a part of any political party. I can get and sound grumpy when talking about politics mainly because many people that I talk to and know insist that one political party should dominate over the other because it gives an advantage to them, personally, while screwing many others over. But they don’t care; they’re benefiting, so it’s ok for them to accept what’s going on. Think positive! I shake my head at people who are willing to throw people under the bus if they benefit from it. Humans overall just aren’t mature enough to realize that for one man is all man. My race is humanity, and I want that to reflect who I am on all levels. I am human. I am an individual. I am a free being having been dealt a hand of cards (as in more than one card and thus more than one path) and now I choose the path that these cards have opened me up to. I believe in a combination of determinism and free will, and I suppose in that sense that’s how I can reconcile being a Christian existentialist. I’ve been getting into Soren Kierkegaard alongside existentialism having read some Sartre, Beauvoir, and Camus, but readings in philosophy has been going slow overall and have taken a backseat to focus reading more on productivity especially to help with my ADHD as I’m currently unmedicated. Life is harder in day to day functions when I’m not on my medication for sure.

I consider myself a Christian in that I believe in God the Heavenly Father and do my best to live what I consider a Christian life. I try to not push that everyone should be a Christian, and I’m friends with a lot of atheists and other friends of different religions, so it’s easier for me have an inclusive relationship of humanity with them than sharing a relationship through Christianity. However, I’m starting to realize that I am greatly affected by Christianity such as my desire for a single long lasting life with my partner. It’s my SO that I would like to spend the rest of my life with, and I honestly believe that God has blessed me with him, and my SO and mine’s own desire to be together, of course. Believing in God and praying to him has on some level helped to assay some of my anxiety. It’s hard sometimes when the world is overwhelming, but feeling like I haven’t done enough even though with all my ailments I’m doing much more than I should with little regards to my own health, life can be a struggle. God and thinking about religion and how I’ve come to see it doesn’t always soothe the raging beast that is in me at times, but in times of when I desperately need comfort, my thoughts have turned to God on multiple occasions and with faith, I survived.

I’m a very introverted person so I spend most of my time with my SO, off doing chores, reading, resting, writing, or playing games. I’ve also been exercising a little by doing squats and some other types of stretches. I’m still sporadic about it because of how sick or in pain I feel most days, but I’ve been putting effort into at least not letting myself deteriorate despite how much I want to. I record it in my bullet journal, which has been one of the ways to help motivate me to continue doing the exercises.

My bullet journal is part tracker, some actual journaling, and a scheduler all in one. I think if I continue the path I am now with my current notebook, I might invest in a Leuchtturm1917 for next year. In general, I like to try things out for free or at least cheaply (the supplies I use for my bullet journal still costs less in total than me buying one Leuchtturm11917 A5 notebook and are supplies I can use for other things besides journaling) before fully investing into more expensive things. I didn’t realize how expensive pens could get and the different types of pens there are until I started taking my studying seriously, so it’s like a whole new world is opening up to me in a sense.

I think ribbons combined with nice lettering is pretty. I’ve been trying to draw them for the past few days, and I don’t think it they’ve been turning out ugly. Practice makes perfect, and it’s only been about a week since I started taking hand lettering remotely seriously. I’ve been having fun with drawing and coloring, so I see myself doing this for the foreseeable future. The featured image are some ribbons that I drew yesterday when I settled down for a bit to just draw while SO had a friend over and the two were hanging out and I was off to the side doing my own thing.

However, considering that I’ve been focusing a little more on my art, my studying time has taken a slight hit. I’ve also been trying to finish my first book for the classics challenge that I’m doing. I’m close to finishing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern is Dead by Tom Stoppard, so be on the lookout for my review of that great play! I’m also planning on releasing a short review of Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner soon once I finish it. I have a rough draft currently, but it needs some touch ups.

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